Todd, Adoptee

Todd, reunited with his brothers and his birth mother

I was born in Toledo, Ohio and adopted at five weeks old in a closed adoption. I'm 49 now. I was told I was adopted when I was so young, I can't even remember when I didn’t know. It wasn't a secret thing. As a child, I didn't think about being adopted. I felt more special than anything. I didn't feel like I was missing out, or different, in any way. I never had self-esteem issues or anything like that. I felt like I was “chosen,” so to speak. I was raised Catholic, and I felt like God put me in my adoptive parents' care for a reason. 

I didn't get married till I was 31. And I really wanted kids. Once I had kids, I started to really wonder: what's my background? What's my health history? I was in my late 30s when I started getting more curious. Then, about five years ago the state of Ohio passed a law allowing adoptees to open their sealed adoption documents, so I requested my documents. 

They were mailed to me, but I didn't open them for a while. When I finally opened them, I found my birth mom right away on social media. But then I sat on that for three years. My wife would stalk her and find out what was going on with her and her family--how many brothers I had, and whatnot. 

Two and a half years ago, on my 47th birthday, it hit me that it was unfair to my birth mom to not know that I was okay. That was what caused me to message her through Facebook. She deserved to know. 

I wondered if she was thinking about me, wondering if I was okay. But whether she did or didn't, I owed her the opportunity to reach out to me, so that's what I did. But of course, if you're not friends with someone on Facebook--she didn't answer right away; the message got stuck in her junk mail. 

A month went by before she responded. It turned out that she was living only thirty minutes away. I met my three brothers first. We met at a Chipotle and hit it off, and then I eventually met her. 

To preface all of this, I talked with my adoptive parents first because I wanted to make sure they were okay with me searching before I dove into it. When I was little, things were so different--I think my parents were fearful that someone would swoop in and take me away. But when I told them I wanted to search, they were cool with it. A little apprehensive, but they were okay. 

So I met my brothers, then my biological mom. I didn't have any expectations. I just wanted to meet them and let them know I'm okay, and if anything were to come of it, I was open to that. So from then on--the last two and a half years have been awesome. They were just over at our house this past weekend: my three brothers, their families, their kids, my biological mom, her husband, my mom and dad, my wife’s mom. We get together like that once every few months. They come to football games that I coach, and they come see my son play. We go see some of my brothers' kids' events. It is better than I could have ever imagined.  It’s really, really cool. My three brothers are all in the service industry. One is a dispatcher, one’s a firefighter, two of their wives are teachers. My wife's a teacher. I find it interesting how each of our life's mission is to be of service to others.  

When I first contacted my brothers, they knew I existed. They knew about me from when they were really little. In fact, the youngest had been pressing my birth mom to try to find me. But I beat them to the punch. 

I knew my birth mother was young when I was born, but I didn't really know any details. I thought: She was young, wasn't ready, so gave me up for adoption. I was thankful to her for allowing me to have life because she could easily decide on the other option. But in talking with her, I learned that placing me for adoption was not her decision. Her family was totally against her keeping her child, but she wanted to keep me. She told me she had always celebrated my birthday every year, wondering if I was okay. 

So, that reinforced my decision to reach out to her. We have a great relationship, and my brothers and I are close. I don't have other siblings, so having siblings now is really, really cool.  

My first Facebook message to her said:

"Good afternoon! This may not be the best way to ask, but I'm going to anyway. I’m wondering if you had a son 47 years ago today that you gave up for adoption. I recently filed to get my adoption papers released and believe you may be my biological mom. I wanted to reach out--hope this doesn't freak you out too bad. It has taken me a while to reach out myself and actually push ‘send.’ Have a great day and God bless." 

So that was May 24, 2019. She responded June 12 2019: 

"Hi, Todd, I'm so sorry—I Just saw this. I don't want you to think I ignored this. I did give my son up for adoption when I was 16, and it was on May 24. So I may be your biological mother. I think about you every May 24th, and I wish you a happy birthday every year. I am a little freaked out. I have three sons and was babysitting for my grandchildren today. As my son got home, I was looking at my messages and yours came up. I don't know how I missed it. But I don't want you to think I ignored it." 

And so we kind of went back and forth. I took pictures of my adoption records and sent them to her, which validated that she was the right person. We chatted the next day on messenger, and the next day, and the next. And then on July 18, I met her. 

My birth mom and her husband met my wife and kids by going to a football game--I've been the head coach a long time. And my adoptive parents go to all my games. And so my family's going to the game and they're walking up. And they see my mom kind of waving at them to come on up. And, my birth mom and her son, and his girlfriend are sitting directly in front of my mom. They recognize her because they stalked her on Facebook. So they're freaking out. But my mother has no idea. She has no idea, and I didn't know this was going on--I was on the sidelines. Then my wife just taps my mom and says, I think that's Todd's birth mom right over there. And they're like, Oh, boy. So they introduce themselves. And my mom and birth mom hugged and were crying in the bleachers. 

My birth mom tried to track down. my birth dad. The last she heard he was in Arizona and had throat cancer and wasn't doing well. So I did not go any further with that. I should probably see what's going on. I tried to search for him through Facebook but I didn't have any luck. 

I don't know if she has trauma and pain about the fact that she was coerced into placing me for adoption. I can only imagine that she has a sense of--it had to have been eating at her, I would assume. I obviously can't say because I'm not her. But I'm hopeful that her mind's put at ease--it has to be. 

I do know that she and her kids and their families are really close. It's similar in my family-- everything revolves around family, and everyone's included.

After I was born, she went back to high school, then she worked at a bakery for a little while, and I think a grocery store. And then she took care of her kids. She lives with one of my brothers now.

She waited almost 10 years before she had my brothers. I think she stayed with her parents while she was pregnant, but I know once she had me that she never held me--they swooped in and took me, and that was it. I can't imagine how hard that was for her. 

When I first had kids,  it was exciting--they looked like me. I have three daughters and a son. My oldest is 17 and she'll be a senior, and I have a 15 year old. My son is 11 and my youngest is five, so we are spread out. It's crazy, but it's crazy good. My wife's a teacher, I'm a teacher, so we have breaks at similar times. I coach two sports, which makes it crazy all the time. But we get to spend more time with our family than if we weren't teachers. 

My kids were all born by the time I met my birth mom. They were super excited. They think it's really neat. They get along with my brothers’ kids, and it's better than anyone would have ever imagined that something like this would turn out so well. I read the piece you wrote in the Huffington Post and felt compelled to reach out because there are a lot of great stories of adoption, and there is a misconception that all people who give up a child for adoption are not in a good mental state or are irresponsible or what have you. I just wanted to share that there definitely can be a happy ending.