Geraldine,* Adoptee
Baby Geraldine* with her adoptive mother
*Geraldine is a pseudonym, per the request of the adoptee.
My biological family and my adoptive family knew each other in the Dominican Republic. My adoption was an open one–my biological family was invited to be a part of my family and to visit me, but they neither visited nor contacted me until I was 18 years old. In my early twenties, my biological brother sent me photos of my biological parents, and it was incredible to see how much I resembled them. I haven’t met my biological parents. I’ve only met a biological sister. I’d like to meet my biological mother at some point to ask her about myself. I don’t wish to develop a relationship with them at all. I’ve never wanted to. I feel satisfied with the family that I already have. However, I wouldn’t mind staying in touch with my siblings. Since my biological brother sent me photos, I've been mildly obsessed over my DNA. It’s selfish though–I only want to see similarities in physical, behavioral, and/or mental traits in order to understand myself better.
I’ve always known that I am adopted, so when I was a little kid, it annoyed me when people said, “You look just like your mom/dad/brother!” because I knew it was a lie. Those encounters always felt awkward and unfair. The physical differences between my adoptive family and me have always been apparent to me. While looking through photos or looking at my family members, I see no physical resemblance, and it always reminds me that I’m adopted.
Now, I own my adoption and I don’t hesitate to speak about it, even if others are uncomfortable with it. My adoptive family has always felt like my “real” family. However, knowing that I’m adopted has always made me feel a bit on the outside because I know that genetics play a big role in one’s life, and growing up with people who are blood related would’ve helped me understand myself better.
I love my adoptive family unconditionally, but not knowing my birth parents has isolated me. It makes me fear my adoptive family might abandon me or something. Since I’m not their blood relative, I feel as if any excuse would be good enough to get rid of me. Not only that, but I’ve always questioned their love towards me because I wonder how it could possibly be real. I would’ve loved my adoptive family to feel comfortable talking about my adoption. For some reason, it’s easier for me than it is for them. I don’t think that’s fair to me, since I’m the adoptee. I believe that by listening, they would’ve been able to support me better. When I was little, it bothered me much more than it does now. It made me act up in school a lot as a little girl. I was a super smart kid, but I wasn’t able to concentrate because I was angry. I’m working with a therapist; now, I’m less angry.
Maintaining a distance from my family was a coping approach in my teens and early twenties. So my boyfriends and friends were an escape too–I spent as much time as I could with them instead of with my family.
But being adopted definitely affected my relationships negatively. I find myself coping with abandonment issues constantly–I expect to be hurt, abandoned and betrayed in my relationships, so before that happens, I do the hurting or abandoning first. Now I’m working on my relationships. I want to be able to give my all to someone without fearing that it will backfire. I want to allow myself to get hurt and not let my fears stop me from trying new relationships.